Just a glimpse

You can read a lot about parent/child bonding and still not understand it. I sort of understand it when it comes to my parents, but I cannot grasp the bond I'm creating with my child. Not even close. To be perfectly frank, I fear it won't come as easy for me as it does for some. I pray it does. And every once in a while, God gives me a little glimpse of just how beautifully he orchestrates this bond, even when you aren't paying attention.

The first time my heart twinged with the thought of being on the parent side of this relationship was in our breast feeding class. I was uncomfortable and frustrated and overwhelmed. And then, in an effort to prove to the men in the class (my husband being one of them) that men really do matter in the feeding process, the nurse spoke about going into rooms to examine babies, making them upset, and dad just walking over and speaking to the baby, calming them down. These are babies who are 4 hours old and they recognize the voice and the smell of their daddy enough to trust the safety he offers, even without the warmth of his embrace. That's incredible.

And last night, we kicked off care group season by passing around our newest member, a 3 week old 7 pounder. She's tiny. It's hard to comfort someone so tiny. She started squaking something fierce. Mom stood up, crossed the room, picked her up, and it was over. In an instant. She wasn't unsafe or uncomfortable or abandoned in someone else's arms. But they weren't her mommy's. And that's really all she wanted. It's miraculous. I can't believe I get to take part so soon!

Money well spent

Behold, the best $25 I've ever spent in my life. I hate people touching my feet. But Ellen at AT Nails did me right.

And yes, actually I do worry about whether I'll get stretch marks on my ankle.

And then a complete impulse buy...
While picking up the necessities at Babies R Us, we came across the cutest bassinet I've ever seen in my life. Converts to a moses basket or a chair. We had a loner, but I just couldn't leave this one on the shelf. Keith loved it because it came with only TWO screws. Does it get any better???

If you're shopping, too, you can product details here.

Problem solved

Our cat Charlie is the most curious animal I have ever met.
Whatever I'm doing, he's right there, trying to figure it out.
Even if I'm cutting garlic - he'll take part of the skin and test it out to see if it's any good.
If I'm making the bed, he's on or in the sheets the entire time.
It's an endearing trait... most of the time. Partly because he's also such a talker - he really keeps me company!

He also has a bit of an ego. He is convinced that every last thing we bring into the house is for him. Some toys are more lame than others. But pretty much every bed-like thing makes him happy. A bed-like thing may be my jacket on the floor of the mud room, freshly folded laundry in a basket, or Keith's work uniforms (which had been on the table for about thirty seconds when I took this picture).

So needless to say, I've been a bit concerned about how to keep the cats out of the crib. Charlie will get in because he thinks the bed is his. Phoebe will get in because she loves to sleep ON people - specifically their necks. I may not be a pro at this parenting thing yet, but neither seem like a great idea to me.

We brought in the basinette, Charlie claimed it. Changing table in the nursery? His. So he never gets in the habit of hanging out in the crib, I've kept it chocked full of boxes, etc. so he can't sleep in there, but he still climbs over all the stuff like a mountain goat.

The vet suggested wiping everything down with citrus flavored cleaning solution to deter them. But this cat's willing to eat garlic! And then of course the spraying technique. Guess what? Charlie loves water. Even gets in the shower with me sometimes, just to play with the drips. I was beginning to think the situation was hopeless.

Enter craigslist.
Per wise suggestion, I invested in a second changing table for the main level of our house. We put it in the office. In front of the window. Charlie hasn't left it since we put it in. Sometimes he even shares with Phoebe. I don't think he's ever been happier with a bed-like thing in his house, ever. And I'm pretty sure he'd rather be here, in front of his window, than sharing a bed with a baby in a dark corner of an upstairs room any day. I kind of miss him in bed with us at night, but this is a HUGE relief!

Clearly, the window treatments are a work in progress.... :)

overly dramatic, yet desperate plea for help

No one reading this should be surprised that I like to organize. Especially closets. I don't always like maintaining organization, but getting everything into appropriate groups makes my heart happy. And nothing is better than an organized closet.

Keith gave me light in the nursery closet last week, so I've begun trying to figure out where things will go in the entire room. You would think this would be less of a chore for me - it really is just grouping things, but it's completely unknown territory. I sort of feel like I've been asked to organize a wood working shop. Do you want chizels hanging for easy access or are they better in a drawer? Does each tool get its own spot, or do you group similar tools together, kind of like in the kitchen? I'm completely paralyzed without a plan.

I started by washing the oodles of hand-me-downs we've received. And then I stopped. Do I organize by type? Ie short-sleeved-no-legged onesies, sleepers, winter, summer... And if this is the route, what are the categories??? I opted to go with sizes instead - I sorted by 0-3, 3-6, and 6-9 month and for now, each size has a drawer. But it's not going to cut it. I'm almost out of drawer space and the sizes across brands are totally different. Is there any point in hanging anything ever? Oooh - just had an idea - I do have some of those closet shelf hanger thingys... but still the sorting issue.

I know that I will find a groove once I'm actually living in that room, but in the meantime - any advice??? I already signed up for Martha's organizing tip of the day but so far she's been worthless and I'm one more package from Diapers.com away from a meltdown.

It's a boy!

Letter to my son

My Dear Baby Boy,

I already feel like I've loved you my whole life. This week, Daddy and I got our first glimpse of you through the ultrasound monitor. It was the first day we knew for sure you were a boy (although we both had a hunch all along)! It was a magical day! It made us so impatient for the day when we can hold you and kiss you and touch you all over, from the tip of your head to the bottoms of your feet.

I get distracted a lot lately, dreaming about you. I wonder if you'll have lots of dark hair when you're born and if your fingers will be long like mine or thick like daddy's. I can't wait for you to meet your family - they all love you so much. And you won't believe how fun your pets are.

I've been praying for you since before you were alive and I continue to every single day. I pray that God will grow you healthy and strong, that he'll protect you from common baby discomforts and that he'll reveal himself to you, even now. Daddy and I think we have your name picked out already, but we know for sure that God knows it.

I can't feel you yet and lots of people don't even notice you as a "bump" in me yet, but we saw all of your working parts this week - we know that you're whole and unique and that we couldn't possibly love you more. I'm already so proud to call myself your mom.

with all the love in my heart,
mommy

Bizarre

We got to go hear the heartbeat again yesterday. It was different this time - easier to find, louder - Bud sure is growing fast! There was also a new sound this time - a very electronic sounding blip that interrupted the heartbeat. I panicked at first and Doctor said, "That's the baby moving."

REALLY?!

I mean, rationally, I know it's not just sitting in there, stuck to the wall with velcro or something. But there were a TON of blips! And Bud's about the size of an apple.

I can't tell you how creepy it is to think of something the size of an apple moving and grooving in my abdomen without having the slightest inclination that it's happening.

Second only to how creepy it must be to be able to feel another human being moving and grooving in your abdomen! I'll tell you in a few more weeks...

Guilty Pleasure

I promised Keith not to name our child while he was out of town, but I have been playing around with a few (trying my best not to fall in love with anything as he still has veto power).

Whenever a name gets stuck in my head for over a day, I consider it a contender. And by name I mean first and second. Once a name is a contender, I google it. No need to name our child after a serial killer. Or porn star.

It's seriously entertaining.

And that's really all I have to say about that. Because no, I'm not giving you any hints on the contenders. Osama's out, though. For sure.

Thoughts on Egypt

I haven't really blogged about this, so here goes.
I never wanted to go to Egypt. A year and a half ago, when we started planning this production, I didn't want to go. I spent weeks, no - months, praying that God would change my heart. My assumption was that I didn't want to go because I was scared of it. After some serious soul searching, I came to terms with the fact that what I really wanted was to be pregnant. And I felt called to be - now. And I was tired of putting my life on hold for my job, no matter how cool of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity awaited. It was a matter of pride to comes to terms with that. But once I did, I have never felt more relieved and satisfied in my identity. God even blessed me with a pregnancy pretty close to "my" timeline. I have never had any regrets about not hauling a 60lb backpack through the desert for 20 hour days.

Until today.

Keith called this morning from the top of Mount Sinai. I could be there with him. But I'm at home, knocked up. I say it so casually because my twinge of jealousy, of what could have been, is short lived. Sitting at my desk sorting receipts, I am doing the most important job of my life - I'm a mother.

Early birthday present

This morning, I heard my baby's heartbeat.
I think every Monday should start so awesome.