A little close to home

Ever wonder what life in the media biz is like?
Take a look at Vendor Client Relationships.

Thanks, Joshy

Mother of the Year?
I thought so.

Happier Things

Proof that actually penning my emotions is cathartic...


I seriously don't think there's anything better in the world than nuzzling my face in Ben's neck.
Especially first thing in the morning when he's extra snuggly and just a little bit salty.

I don't think I'm especially good at work-type things. I think I have good enough people skills that I can be successful, but I don't have a marketable skill like design or accounting, etc. Nothing in my life has ever come as naturally as motherhood. When it comes to Ben, I certainly don't have all the answers. But I've got a willingness to try and fail and try again that I never knew about myself. Now about that paycheck...

I like to break the rules with Ben. I know I'm not supposed to rock him to sleep. But I do. Deal with it, Day Care Lady. I have the opportunity to hold my baby for a total of about 3.5 hours a day. If I can make it 4 by nuzzling his sweet baby neck for 30:00 after he falls asleep, I'm gonna. I earned that right at 1:41pm September 25, 2008.

I secretly hope Ben never gets teeth. Is there anything happier than a toothless, full body smile? Didn't think so.

I have never loved my body. Or appreciated it. Or even liked talking about it. The fact that my... um... body makes food for my son is miraculous. Labor & delivery forever altered my self perception as well. I'm gonna leave it at that. (This is where I fall off the mommy-blogger wagon).

I'm still figuring out how to be a good wife and mommy. Keith's had to take a back seat to Ben. Sorry 'bout that, babe. I'm trying.

It takes a conscious decision every single day not to submit to the resentment I feel at having to go to work. And then, when I have a day off with Ben and it doesn't go well, it takes everything I've got to convince myself that he would have had a bad day at day care, too. Working moms cannot win. Period.

Strangely, I understand the cycle of abuse and poverty better now than ever. I realize how often I make a conscious decision based on what I've seen work (or not work) for other parents. I have no idea how often I do it subconsciously. I thank God every day that by and large the other parents in my life are worth modeling.

Tonight, I looked through all the images we have of Ben since the day he was born. Why are there never enough?
Then I had a good cry.
It was worth it.

Really?

I think I've entered a quarter life crisis of sorts.
I just can't get over my life.
Is it for real?

There are days when I wish I could change some detail about every single aspect of my life.
I am rarely completely content. I'm restless.
I'm realizing that it has a pretty significant impact on my relationship with God.

I am so oblivious to change sometimes that when I actually take a moment or two to notice it, I'm shocked.
Is this really my life?
When did I marry such a studly, humble, servant-hearted human being?
I own a house?
In Holland???
I've worked at the same "summer gig" for 7 years?

SEVEN YEARS.

That means next you're going to tell me I stopped being a student 7 years ago.

Am I where I wanted to be then?
Am I on a road that leads anywhere?
Do I know which direction I'm headed?
Is that the right direction?
Am I paying enough attention to the daily stuff?
Am I paying too much attention to the daily stuff?

Does my life really involve meeting the daily needs for another human being?
My son.


My son.


My son.



Wow.
I am a mother.
It has redefined all of me.

I didn't think it would.
I really thought I would still be me, just with a kid.

But I am no longer
Sara
Daughter
Wife
Worker
Friend.


For me, it begins and ends with mom.

It's a life time commitment.


That completely and utterly overwhelms me.

It's part of why I haven't been writing here.
Or anywhere, really.
I don't want to be a mommy blogger.
I just want to share my thoughts.

So here they all are from the past 7 months:

Holy crap - I'm a mom.