Happier Things

Proof that actually penning my emotions is cathartic...


I seriously don't think there's anything better in the world than nuzzling my face in Ben's neck.
Especially first thing in the morning when he's extra snuggly and just a little bit salty.

I don't think I'm especially good at work-type things. I think I have good enough people skills that I can be successful, but I don't have a marketable skill like design or accounting, etc. Nothing in my life has ever come as naturally as motherhood. When it comes to Ben, I certainly don't have all the answers. But I've got a willingness to try and fail and try again that I never knew about myself. Now about that paycheck...

I like to break the rules with Ben. I know I'm not supposed to rock him to sleep. But I do. Deal with it, Day Care Lady. I have the opportunity to hold my baby for a total of about 3.5 hours a day. If I can make it 4 by nuzzling his sweet baby neck for 30:00 after he falls asleep, I'm gonna. I earned that right at 1:41pm September 25, 2008.

I secretly hope Ben never gets teeth. Is there anything happier than a toothless, full body smile? Didn't think so.

I have never loved my body. Or appreciated it. Or even liked talking about it. The fact that my... um... body makes food for my son is miraculous. Labor & delivery forever altered my self perception as well. I'm gonna leave it at that. (This is where I fall off the mommy-blogger wagon).

I'm still figuring out how to be a good wife and mommy. Keith's had to take a back seat to Ben. Sorry 'bout that, babe. I'm trying.

It takes a conscious decision every single day not to submit to the resentment I feel at having to go to work. And then, when I have a day off with Ben and it doesn't go well, it takes everything I've got to convince myself that he would have had a bad day at day care, too. Working moms cannot win. Period.

Strangely, I understand the cycle of abuse and poverty better now than ever. I realize how often I make a conscious decision based on what I've seen work (or not work) for other parents. I have no idea how often I do it subconsciously. I thank God every day that by and large the other parents in my life are worth modeling.

Tonight, I looked through all the images we have of Ben since the day he was born. Why are there never enough?
Then I had a good cry.
It was worth it.